I went to church on Sunday morning, and usual it was a strain against that worry in my stomach that reminds me of how much I dislike North Suburban EFC. The night before (Halloween) was more encouraging than any church service I've experienced since coming to Trinity. For my All Hallow's Eve celebration I donned tin foil and went to Chipotle with friends, then ate my free burrito while watching Ferris Bueler's Day Off, and shortly after dressed as an elf and attended the SGA Halloween party. I thought I'd had my fill of friends.

But I made a commitment. The college group was being given a free home-cooked meal after church, and I said I was coming, so I dragged myself into the cold darkness (because the boiler in Johnson Hall was broken all weekend) and got ready. I should probably mention that the North Sub college group has always been the only reason I enjoy going to church anymore, and that's only in regards to this semester. The group is made up of some of my best friends on the planet, and Seth Dunham (the group leader)--he's incredible.

So I struggled through the church service, the awkward worship songs, the powerpoint sermon. I only made it through by practicing the chin-to-chest position and "resting my eyes".

I am trying to get to the point. It's not going very quickly. Sunday was a long day, you see. The church services are long and arduous, and the Sunday school afterwards is so good we don't want to stop. We discussed what we wanted to read next, now that the church was done going through the first 6 chapters of Daniel, and I suggested to Seth that we talk about peace. Seth said he could probably integrate finding peace in every lesson, and he said it with this soft sort of voice as if he knew exactly why I was looking for peace. He is getting his master of divinity in counselling. I suppose it's not that strange.

Lunch was, to be completely honest, homely. Because it was made in a home. Not nearly as good as my mother's cooking (no one's is, in all the homes I've ever been to). The mashed potatoes were sub-par. But the apple cider was lovely. And for dessert we had these brownies... oh, lord, I'm going to say it.... they were amazing. We were groaning in chocolate-induced ecstacy. Actually, Seth and I were groaning through the whole meal because he'd cracked a joke from What About Bob and then we couldn't stop. I'm still giggling. Anyways... during dessert we played Life, but it was the Star Wars version, so it didn't make anyone want to commit suicide. Although you did have the option to become a Sith Lord. Suh-weet.

I was there until 5pm. Fast-forward. I went to Gospel Choir at 8, which is always a joy. (I made myself join again this year in hopes that I won't get bronchitis. GC is one of my college survival tactics.) Immediately after choir, I went to Livi and Erik's birthday party and successfully ignored my ex-boyfriend for an hour, and then promptly left (with cake) to visit Pat at work. He ate cake and made me coffee, I vented about the ex-boyfriend and drew angry pictures in my notebook and listened to Christmas music.

And now that you've heard the story of my entire Sunday, which was entirely peaceful, I will proclaim that I still can't find peace. In fact, things are going good. Although, in spite of not having too much work to do, I am consistently exhausted (regardless of my 8-hours-a-night deal) and have had a raging headache for 2 days now. I can read a whole chapter of Straight Man in 20 minutes but I still start falling asleep at about 8 minutes. I can sit at the computer and play word games but usually start leaning on one arm and my eyes droop. I can read my Bible for a good half hour before I start pondering about how long it's going to take me to write a journal on the whole book of Romans.

I can't find peace. I can't find it. It's not that God isn't here, or that we're on bad ground. I'm just feeling inwardly twisted. I'm hoping going home for Thanksgiving will make this less of a problem.

To start off, that last blog entry was disgusting. I read through the whole thing, loving every bit of it--until the end, with the crap about David. Whom I did love, perhaps, in a sacrificial way. But that wasn't very beneficial. And despite how disgusted I am by my previous sentiments, I don't feel like wasting my time on talking about David.

Moving on with life....

I spent my summer at Black Lake Bible Camp as a counsellor. In short, it was incredible. Let me list the kinds of incredible it was. Incredibly: frustrating, nauseating, wet, hot, infuriating, dirty, painful, terrifying, sleepless. However, it was also incredibly: wonderful, beautiful, moving, glorious, peaceful, lovely, breathtaking, dream-like, sunny, refreshing.

My few legitimate complaints, that I will probably remain upset about for a while, are about the facts that I didn't get to be a counsellor for senior high week, and during my last 2 weeks of junior camp not only did several of my campers go home sick but my boss also had a lack of communication and caused some serious distress to a fellow counsellor. And now that the complaints are over, let me tell you about the good stuff.

My top 8 reasons that BLBC was fantastic.

8. The weather was usually beautiful.
7. There were flowers everywhere.
6. I got to live in the woods for three months. I love trees.
5. No one forced me to swim in the lake. (or the pool)
4. I got to teach kids of all ages about Jesus.
3. I formed some really good friendships.
2. I found the love of my life.
1. Jesus walked with me every step of the way.

So, there's my summer in a nutshell. I'll leave out the stories about Julia (a kitchen worker) falling out of her bed and onto me and then onto the floor and breaking her ankle. And I'll leave out the weekends, cause those are inappropriate. And I won't tell you about how much I hated day camp and how much I hated the food and how often I threw it up, or about my lovely friend Melody who I miss more and more every day. Oh! And I definitely won't say anything about Joseph Voss, who I am delightfully in love with, and can't stand to be apart from, and how funny and sarcastic he is.

The end. Catch you in another 6 or 7 months.

Oh my. How long it has been. No one has even looked at this in.... oh, I don't care. It doesn't matter much. It is 6am. I have not slept. In fact, I've had a fever since Friday afternoon and a migraine off and on since February 22nd. I think I may actually be dying. (of a broken heart.)

I... um... I'm sorry to say this... okay, not really... but I may be an entirely different person than I was when I last posted here. (which was in September, I believe.)

I'm content with the fact that no one looks at this. There are some things I'm going to write here today that some people might not like. And some people may like it too much. Therefore, it shall be our secret, between me and you--whoever you are that is reading this for probably not a very good reason. I am very hungry right now. And very tired and sick. This may just be the best blog I've ever written.

In my time at Trinity, I have learned a lot of things. I'm not going to list those things. I've also made a lot of friends. I am going to list them, because I love people and not things, and I think you would too if you knew these people.

Tabitha- My RA. She is a missionary kid, with 7 younger siblings. Very motherly, but not maternal by any means. She switches between being silly and being objective much too quickly for my taste. She likes fruit and loves Jesus. She enjoys all the girliest things in the world, including crappy country music and watching a chick flick for the sole purpose of making herself cry. I love her--most of the time.

Sara- Tabitha's best friend, and my neighbor. I have yet to accurately describe her. She's whimsical, and joyful, and loves things like leaves and ribbons in her hair, and is easily upset. By the tiniest things. I'm not kidding. I fixed one of the stall doors in the bathroom and she exclaimed, "Oooh noo!" because she worried that she'd have to actually use the lock on it now. I almost killed someone. You have no idea how annoying that door is.

Janelle- My new best friend, or at least my Trinity best friend. I love her to pieces. She and I are too much alike sometimes, it almost kills me. Sometimes all we have to do is exchange a look and soon we'll be rolling on the floor with laughter. It's been a long time since I've had a friend like that. Janelle is truly a blessing. But, like I said, we're a lot alike. So sometimes the things she does hurt. We sting each other like angry, hippie-ish, hornets. Then we get over it and eat breakfast together the next day. We do artsy things together, and with her the world is a beautiful place.

Jordan- This boy lives on another planet, and I love him across all those millions of space miles. Jordan and I have spent many-a-night talking up a storm about life and God, and there are times when just his presence is like a balm on my heart. He infuriates me, and soothes me. We have had more than one fight. He always thanks me when I forgive him. In fact, he thanks me no matter what I do, even if it's just saying, "Yes, call me later, because it's 1am." (that happened last Monday.) Jordan is my wild and righteous companion.

Patrick- He is a sarcastic and hopeful fighter. This guy has endured the worst of college crap (like non-transferable credits) and he is still going to be here for another four years, after two years of community college. We have fights with ketchup packets. In September we went mud-sliding. We make each other laugh. AND, of all the people working at Half Day Roast, he is the best at making coffee. (for me, he makes "magic beans.") He played violin, guitar, and sang backup for me at the last coffeehouse.

Dave E- This one is my kindred spirit in pretty much everything. We enjoy words far too much, and started the TIU Undergrad Writers' Guild last month--it's called Inkfingers. We call each other "co-groupies". We laugh together, and cry together, and on Monday nights we have 'musical therapy'--this means squeezing him and his guitar into a tiny MCL piano room and jamming for an hour. Dave plays guitar and sang with me for the last coffeehouse. We are the perfect team!

Ethan- Sarcastic, witty, and a big softie. He makes me laugh, and understands why I might want to cry, but is also a big jerk and has made me cry twice I think. He's really pushy, but he likes good music and Mario Kart. =D

Sami- I spent Thanksgiving at her house--it was the worst holiday of my entire life. However, she's fantastic. Sarcastic. Not afraid to say what she feels. Like Tabitha, she's always one of two extremes. High strung, or laid back. She loves to laugh as much as I do, and appreciates good art.

This last one is going to be a bit painful...

David Bell- This boy is the love of my life. I am not going to go into a lot of details right now, but he did break up with me three weeks ago. Apparently you need to decide after two months whether or not you can marry someone. Anyways... I love him. Pathetically, in every way possible. He's a business/accounting major, and therefore likes numbers. He reads the news compulsively, is addicted to Minesweeper, and loves to buy organic food. He's in choir and band, and loves Disney movies. I am not joking, something went wrong a few weeks ago and I have been praying like it's armageddon to get him back. If you're reading this, join me in my prayers. Seriously. I have never needed it more, or felt like it would work more than now. This young man is incredible in every way. I miss him like I would miss my leg, were it chopped off.

These are not all of my Trinity friends, they're simply the ones that have had the most influence on me. I love them all, to the very end, and if I could, I would bring them home with me.

As for other updates... my incurable disease is in remission, I'm planning on working at Black Lake Bible Camp for the summer, and I'm flying home on Thursday for spring break. And, I plan to skip LTG and all but one of my classes today (because I've already skipped it too much) because of my body's refusal to sleep, and this fever. (and because LTG is all the way in Hinkson today and I would die on the way over there.)

Peace out.